The Beginning
Almost everyone has experienced this at least once in their life. The feeling that you function on autopilot, no real drive, just pure functioning. You are watching your own life in spectator mode. Some might call it depersonalization, which might be true and I am in no way, shape or form qualified to challenge that. Most people experience this for the first time through trauma, but what if it is just a part of life that we are meant to experience? What if we are meant to "wake up" one day and come to the realization that we have been kind of "sleepwalking through" life? And also how do you even start "waking up"? These are all questions that I will try to remotely answer in this reflection.
The Awakening
In a world full of distractions, it is easy to quiet down your thougts. You dont give yourself the chance to think about meaningful internal things, and this is completely normal. When you have the option to play video games, watch youtube, scroll through titktoks or reels, why should you take the time to sit back and think about how you really feel or what you think about your life? I am not saying this entertainment was originally made with that intent, but we turned it into that. Also the new algorithms do a great job at keeping you hooked. But there will come a day, where the internet won't work - your door to the "outside" world. And then your phone will die and you have to site with yourself for a while.
This will be really uncomfortable at first and you will try to find any way in order for this to stop. And then when you try to sit with it for a while (it doens't have to be long), you might start to hear yourself think deeply. Asking questions like: "What do I really want?", "What makes me happy?", "What is the meaning of my life?", "Who am I?". As people are searching for answers to these questions their whole lives, this wont be easy for you to answer, but the most important step has been made: You asked yourself the questions, realizing that you don't have the answer.
The Journey
Now as you have unintentionally stepped into the rabbit hole of thinking about your life, you might ask yourself: "How can I get out of this?". The answer to that is pretty straightforward: You can't. We are all just experiencing life for the first time, and there is no manual. That is why we have to make our own manual, for those who are still becoming.
Personal Experience
I don't remember the exact moment when this all started for me. I just know how I felt: horrible. Being faced with a reality which I didn't actively chose and it was still my responsibilty to "fix" it. My mind kept telling me, look at this, this is what life has given you... deal with it. My initial reaction was to numb myself from it. Doing everything at hand to disctract myself again. But like with karma, it always comes back to you.
How to find mental peace?
As you could have thougt, there is now one-fits-all solution to this. It is a complex problem with many possible fixes depending on you are a person and what you are/have been going through. But I will share what has helped me so far. I will try to make it as general as possible.
First of all, I want to start by saying that feeling lost and confused is not a bad thing, one could argue it is the best thing to happen to you, because it gives you a chance for change. It is a sign that you are ready to grow. So what helped me?
I started to write. Not only on here, but in a journal - paper and ink. Every time I felt like is situation is ripping me apart, I would take out my small journal and write. I would incidcate the data and time and then just unleash everything that was on my mind. While writing, my mind calmed down and I started to see things more clearly again. It was like taking a step back to explain your life to a friend, but the freind was you in the future. When you then reread what you wrote years ago wou will see your growth which in turn gives you a little more assurance for the future.
Another thing that helped me was to be more honest with myself. Most of the times when things were about to become bad,I noticed me lying to myself and others in order to escape the reality. Once I picked up on that, I tried to either instantly dissolve the lie again or stop it before I could produce it.That was very humbling for me and it helped me in taking charge of my life more.
The last advice I have is to take a step back from your phone. I am aware that they play a big role in our lives, but they are a big reason for the disconnect between ourselves. Taking 15-30 min per day where you don't use any device conciously will make a difference. It will be hard at first, but it is worth it.
Closing Words
I will not call this a conclusion, because there is no conclusion to the journey of becoming. I just wanted to share part of mine and I hope you could take something from this reflection and that it helps you on your journey.
Stay safe, Wanderer!